I can be happy and tired.

This week the Sun is squaring Pluto. Squares create tension and promote change. This particular aspect means struggles will shake up the growth and healing processes.

🤜⚡️🧬⚡️🤛

Have you been feeling it, too?!

I’ll admit, I’m not one of those routined astrologers who checks the planetary placements every morning before contending with the day. 

Often, I take a moment to do some mindset work, let the roller coaster of toddler mom-ing carry me, then check about halfway through to see how my feelings and observations shake out with the day’s chart.

Often I’m hoping for a little validation, but always striving more understanding - of myself and others. 

Well today is one of those where I’m feeling simultaneously accomplished and defeated. What a strange polarity to observe (the key word here being “observe”; not succumbing to and accepting those thoughts and behaviors as divine truth = aka thinking I must be crazy and awful 😜).

It’s like my little one and I are throwing fireballs of energy back and forth, neither wanting to back down from our perceived positions of power, both pretty stuck in our opinions of how things should go…she’s being WILD, insisting on more Easter candy NOW after throwing her snack cup across the room and I’m behaving like a sleep deprived zombie cheerleader hoping for just a few chill minutes so we can get a few of our daily tasks done. So why are we YELLING now?! 🤪 

Well, the combination of the sun (representing life force and vitality) in willful Taurus, and the moon (ruler of the emotional body) in firey Sagittarius gives us some pretty clear clues, but the hope I can offer, speaking to my sense of accomplishment, lies in the sun’s aspect to Pluto.

Pluto is known as the planet of healing and transformation and it’s currently in no nonsense Capricorn. This basically means it’s time to dig deep and work through the roots of your troubles - or else! Pluto has been squaring off with the sun since Monday, holding steady through the weekend).

Here’s where the growth comes in: somehow, in my exhausted haze of frustrated/hopeless/controlling emotions, I realized that I could simply make another choice. 
Even if I’ve been sleep deprived for a few weeks (well lbh, a few years!), I can make another choice.

Seems obvious right? But in the heat of a moment, I find our brains are so deeply wired that even the most clearly paved paths seem overgrown. Pluto says to go deep and do some rewiring.

Now I could go down that old path and reason with myself, saying that my emotions and tired behavior are totally reasonable in the face of my current state (injured/sleep deprived/juggling a mile long to-do list/being actively screamed at).

But just because it was understandable, didn’t make it in alignment with who I want to be and how I wish to present myself - to anyone, most especially my sweet child. 

But, it was the noticing this time that helped me not to submit to the feelings of shame associated with speaking so harshly with my baby. No matter how intense her screams and tornado like toddler behavior after a night of keeping me  awake might have been “warranted” 😉 

I apologized for raising my voice. Expressed to her that I have a really hard time managing my behavior when I don’t get enough sleep, and promised to not only try harder in communicating kindly no matter how I felt, but also made a verbal commitment to getting more sleep, knowing that would help my patience and frustration levels immensely.
What followed was one of the more connected moments we’ve experienced. It was like sparks flickered behind her eyes; she wouldn’t break eye contact and I made sure not to, either, despite my brain’s discomfort. I could feel our higher selves becoming One in Love.
She thanked me, said she forgives me, and that she really, really loved me.
Followed up with a tight, squeezy hug. I felt transformation. I felt inner healing.

We got in the car to run our errands and the better choice struck me. You see, usually when I have poor sleep my whole day is ruined (because I expect it to be).

I said aloud, “I can be happy even when I’m tired.” And guess what happened…I freaking WAS happy.
Even after being a member of my thoughtwork group for over a year, it still blows my mind that when you teach your brain to think something, your body listens.

It’s ok not to be happy, but on this sunny beautiful day with my sweet girl by my side, I decided to choose JOY.